You'll Never Finish That...

As a little girl I was taught to knit by my Nanna as so many of us are.  I was taught to crochet by "Auntie Joy", a neighbour who with two sons loved having a little girl to teach.

My first big, on my own project was, in hindsight, a hideous disgustingly bright pink fluffy jumper made of garter stitch squares.  I was 18 and I wore it everywhere until it eventually fell apart.

Over the years I knitted  many scarves and beanies, occasionally venturing into the big world of 'proper' jumpers that were never finished.  I never ever had the patience or proper technique to sew them together in a way that resembled wearable.

I lost count of the many crocheted granny squares that were intended to be joined to create wonderful blankets.  Again, its a patience thing, I don't have any!

I'd start on a 'grand project' and do well until the patience thing got in the way.  My Mum would laugh when I would show her, with great enthusiasm, the latest 'thing'.  Her reaction was always the same "Oh that's beautiful, but you'll never finish it!", and I never did! She would tell her friends "Amanda knits beautifully, her tension is so perfect, but she never finishes ANYTHING!'

My Mum passed away suddenly on November 16th 2014. This blog is named for her... Dear Fluffy.. I called her Fluffy when she was having a wee bit of a wobbly day, those days when she was a little confused, a little scared and just generally .. fluffy.

Not long after she passed I found, tucked in a corner of the bedroom, a single crochet back loop ripple blanket I had started 18 months previously.  As I moved it out of my way I could hear her in my head 'That's beautiful, but you'll never finish it!'. Hmmmm... Keep tidying to find what it was that I had lost.. "That's beautiful, but you'll never finish it"... Right! You're On!  Watch Me!

I crocheted like a demon all through Summer. 42C outside and there I was with a tower fan blasting over me "Are you watching this Fluffy? I WILL finish it'.  And finish it I did!

Now there's only so much of a single crochet back loop stitch that you can do without needing a break from it.  I started teaching myself other things.  It's easy to finish a practice swatch, the voice in my head couldn't complain that a practice swatch wasn't finished.

Over the next weeks and months since Mum passed the crochet and knitting became a crutch, a coping mechanism.  When I was stressed I'd sit and work on the blanket, when I was missing her, I'd sit and work on the blanket, When I was angry I'd teach myself something new to show her I could 'finish' something.

I'm a Reiki Practioner you'd think I could self administer all the relaxation techniques I know, but I just couldn't work on myself, but I could crochet myself into a relaxed stupor.  I have a history of PTSD and I was really concerned that the crochet was becoming a 'bad behaviour'.  There was so much of Mum being ill and being her carer for her last 18 months that I hadn't mentally processed and I know myself, I know when I'm not coping and I know that I develop behaviour patterns that generally aren't good for me.  When a Dr says to you "Amanda you are doing an amazing job, you're being hyper vigilant of yourself, let yourself crochet until your fingers bleed if it helps'.. One listens and one goes home and picks up the big blue blanket again.

Since then I've completed 4 blankets, 6 teddies, a Hungry caterpillar, 4 owls and countless practice swatches. I've taught a friend or two to crochet, I've inspired others to take up their crochet and knitting again.  I've started my own craft group on Facebook with friends, I've joined other Facebook Groups with amazing women who encourage and inspire.

All of which has inspired me to write again.. and share my projects and triumphs and even my disasters.